The Mad Hatter Explains Power (p356-p359)

(Setting:  The Mad Hatter convinces the drunken Head Honcho that he is about to be beheaded for various malfeasances.  The Hatter offers him an escape from this fate that involves using the basics of political power -- mythology and bribery from the public treasury).

The Honcho leaned back in his leather chair and described his latest encounter. Just before the visitation, he had sunk into deep despair after hearing of more insurrection activities across the country. The obvious failure of his Insurrection Act drove him to his liquor cabinet. After draining one bottle, the Hatter made his unwelcome entrance into the Honcho's inebriated sub-conscious.

"It’s amazing how prodigiously someone without a head can drink", observed the Hatter, without offering any other salutation.

The Honcho instinctively reached for his head. Reassured that his cranium was still attached, he snarled, "You're full of shit, you double-talking bastard!"

"He speaks without a head, too!" exclaimed the Hatter. "This is indeed a spectacle. I'd offer you a cup of treacle, my headless friend, but consuming it would be quite futile."

"What in hell are you talking about?" shouted the Honcho much too loudly. "I've got a head on my shoulders, as sure as Ismism is the state religion and the Safari Golfer is the Supreme Being. Here, watch this." The drunken senator pounded his head viciously against his desk, creating nauseating thuds that only a real head could make. "There", he concluded proudly. "I'll have that treacle now." He wiped his brow with the soiled panties to sop up blood seeping from several wounds.

The Hatter shook his head disdainfully. "On our side of the Looking Glass, people who maim themselves are considered to have lost their heads. Also, since you were sentenced to be beheaded by the Red Queen for the Dormouse’s death, I’m doubly convinced that you have no head, because when the Red Queen says 'Off with your head!’ your head invariably comes off. As for the treacle, I don't have any, so there's no use pretending you have a head to drink it with."

"What do you want from me?" the Honcho implored.

"Nothing", replied the Hatter obsequiously. "Why do you ask?"

"Then why are you here to torture me like this?"

"I'm here because my mother, who was a haberdasher, and my father, who was a seamstress, mated and gave birth, although I don't suppose they did it just to torture you, which is a rather self-centered presumption. Actually, I have no idea why they did it. My mother was rather homely, and my father wasn’t well endowed, as you might suspect about a male seamstress. I’m surprised they both weren’t celibate. Haven't we had this conversation before?"

"You're mad!" the Honcho spat out.

"At least I admit it", said the Mad Hatter haughtily. "Whereas you pretend to have a head by speaking foolishness."

Tears intermixed with the blood streamed down the Honcho’s cheeks. "Please! Just tell me why you're here and get this over with."

The Hatter harrumphed. "Okay, but on our side of the Looking Glass, we do not rudely rush conversations to their conclusion prematurely. Actually, none of our conversations come to a meaningful conclusion in Wonderland, so it's all beside the point, which I'm sure you understand, since you’re a politician. Anyway, I'll tell you a little secret." He looked around the room furtively and moved closer to the Honcho, as if to whisper something terribly clandestine. Instead, he shouted into the Honcho’s ear, "I'm here because you've drunk yourself into a stupor again, you headless lummox!!"

The Honcho pawed his ravaged ear angrily. "Your visits are the worst moments of my life!"

"Then why do you drink so much?" asked the Hatter, feeling a twinge of sympathy for the wretched man who kept conjuring him up.

"That damnable Insurrectionist has ruined my re-election prospects, and all my schemes to capture him have failed. The only friends I have left are all named Old Bushmills."

Amazingly, the Mad Hatter grabbed a bottle of Old Bushmills, parked his feet on the Honcho's desk, and took a hearty swig. "Your situation isn’t hopeless, even without a head. You're better off without your head anyway, because it was much too large. It reminded me of the Mock Turtle's shell after we had him for dinner."

"You ate the Mock Turtle?"

The Mad Hatter spit out whiskey and saliva in disgust. "Of course not! He merely engorged himself when he dined with us. Tell me, do you eat your friends for dinner?" The Hatter rubbed his chin for a moment, and then answered his own question. "I suppose that you do, in a manner of speaking."

"What hope do I have?" The Honcho immediately regretted his pensive interest in the Hatter's omnidirectional words.

"Quite frankly, your only hope is that everyone is stupid enough to listen to you, rather than to the Insurrectionist."

"That's hardly reassuring."

"Swallow your pride, lummox. Democracy isn't a contest of wisdom and character. Get back to the basics of American politics. You'll get re-elected, even if your head re-appears."

"Back to the basics?" the Honcho repeated quizzically. "Do you mean graft and corruption?"

"No, more basic than that."

"Unkeepable promises and mindless mud-slinging?"

"Close, but no cigar. Get to the core of the matter!"

"Flag waving and baby kissing?"

The Hatter waved his hand to dismiss the Honcho's errant musings. "No wonder the Insurrectionist is kicking your ass. You've forgotten the essence of political power."

"Out with it, you bow-legged cretin, before I give up drinking and banish you forever!"

The Hatter ignored this impotent threat. "Political power is a function of two things. First, you use mythology to confuse people into thinking it’s proper to chain themselves to a master. Second, in order to convince them that you’re the right master to be chained to, you bribe them shamelessly with riches from the royal treasury." The Hatter looked at his watch and suddenly jumped up from the chair. "Oh my! It's 6:00! The Red Queen will be angry that I missed her tea time."

"You said it’s always 6:00 in Wonderland!"

"It is, it is. That's why it's so unforgivable to miss my appointment." The Hatter turned to go.