Coffee Account Dues Collector (p238-p241)

(Setting:  Freeman is shaken down for money by the office's coffee account dues collector for various services he does not benefit from.)

Freeman unexpectedly reappeared in his Washington office, sporting bandages, crutches, and a case of clap. His return put an end to the rancorous tug-of-war over his office furniture that had been waged fiercely since he disappeared, and everyone assured him that any scandalous rumors he might hear about himself were totally untrue and of unknown origin. Generally, though, they ignored him, except for the Coffee Account Dues Collector. "Your account is two months in arrears", said the coffee account enforcer, who wore a green visor and spoke in the same morbid voice as actuaries, tax collectors, and morticians.

"That's impossible!" protested Freeman.

"I've never been wrong before."

Freeman knew that this was true. "Still, there must be some mistake," he persisted. "I didn’t drink any coffee during the last two months. I was gone! Look at my wounds!"

He admired Freeman's traumatized body with an appreciative eye unique to debt collectors. "Hmmm. Did I do that?"

"No, I was struck by a missile in Vhaicam", said Freeman.

"That's most unfortunate. Was it friendly or enemy fire?"

"I'm told it doesn't matter."

"Yes, I suppose that's true", conceded the Coffee Account Dues Collector. "It also doesn't matter whether you drank any coffee or not. You still owe the dues."

"Why?" cried Freeman, his voice rising half an octave in frustration. "Paying for a service I didn’t use doesn’t make any sense."

"I didn't say it made sense. I said you still owe the dues. You're on the wrong side of the looking glass if you expect things to make sense."

Freeman indeed suspected he was in the wrong plane of existence, but there was little he could do about it, except make one last valiant effort to dodge the caffeine-dispensing cretin. "Paying for a service I didn't use is unfair."

"Demanding fairness is rather antisocial", said the Coffee Account Dues Collector. "Our government would collapse if everyone thought like you."

Freeman wondered if it was actually the Coffee Account Dues Collector that the Honcho saw during his inebriated encounters with the Mad Hatter. He pushed his ball and chain out of the way, opened a desk drawer, and extracted an envelope stuffed with money that had been given to him by an Italian golfing buddy of the Honcho for no apparent reason. "How much do I owe?"

"How much do you have?"

"Quit kidding around. You sound like an IRS auditor."

The Collector didn't look like he was kidding. "$150 will settle your account."

Freeman shook his head in disbelief. "How can it be that expensive? Did the world’s coffee crop fail while I was in Vhaicam?"

"Of course not. The coffee only cost me $2.37", said the Collector with annoying precision.

"Then what's the rest of the money for?"

"Administrative overhead. And it’s a bargain compared to the overhead of the Octagon’s coffee klatch."

Mention of the Octagon made Freeman despondent and eager to end the conversation. He handed a wad of bills to the morbid man in the green visor. "This should cover it. I'll see you later."

"Not so fast", said the Collector, as he meticulously counted and rearranged the money.

"It's all there!"

"Of course it is. But you haven't paid your delinquent Office Birthday Cake dues yet."

"I don't participate in a Office Birthday Cake fund!"

"Of course you do. We all do. You have no choice, even if you don't eat cake or have birthdays."

Freeman stamped his feet and stumbled over his ball and chain. "That’s not fair!"

The Coffee Account Dues Collector sighed heavily. "We've been through this already. You don't want to be labeled antisocial, do you?"

Freeman shook his head in quiet submission. He paid his delinquent birthday cake dues. And then he paid his delinquent funeral flowers dues. By the time he finished paying delinquent dues for services he never used or even knew existed, he was broke. But, he endured the shakedown to avoid being labeled antisocial. That's one thing that would never happen to him.