Kill Them at Both Ends (p193-p196)

(Setting:  The Head Honcho has three options for controlling the population explosion in Vhaicam.  He chooses war over euthanasia and infanticide.)

"The answer is simple", said the Safari Golfer. "Kill them at both ends."

The Head Honcho had come to the Golfer's newly erected Temple of Ismism, Political Correctness, and other Will O' the Wisps for advice on how to quell Vhaicam’s exploding population, which had quadrupled another four times to a staggering 65 million. "How do you kill them at both ends? By lopping off their head and feet simultaneously?" He salivated, because this would make the Red Queen green with envy. He couldn't wait to boast to the Mad Hatter about it.

The Golfer sighed. "You don't kill people at both ends. You kill the population at both ends."

"What's the difference?"

"Lopping off heads and feet at the same time is very difficult, especially with fidgety folks. It's far easier to kill the population at both ends, which merely involves killing babies and old people."

"That sounds un-American."

"Absolutely not!" declared the world’s spiritual leader. "Most Americans are comfortably between those two demographic extremes. They kill unwanted babies by the millions in government funded abortion clinics. And they’re warming to the idea of euthanasia, since old people are also such a burden."

"But there’re no old Vhaicamese. Their population explosion is a recent phenomenon, so they're all still in the primes of their lives."

"We can't have an unbalanced slaughter", mused the Safari Golfer. "Is there a legitimate reason to kill people in their primes?"

"We can send them off to war to defend us against every other Ism but our own."

"What would you do without me?" beamed the Golfer. He retired to his private chapel to practice putting, leaving the Honcho alone in the cavernous Temple of Ismism, Political Correctness, and other Will O' the Wisps. He did a sign of the cross and rushed out.

The Senator summoned his staff for an announcement. "I've spoken to the Golfer", he declared solemnly. "He recommends reducing the Vhaicamese population by killing them at both ends."

"Does he mean we should lop off their heads and feet?" asked Freeman.

"Don't be stupid!" said the Honcho haughtily. "He means we should kill their old people and their young people. It’s the American way."

"But Sir!" exclaimed But Sir! "Vhaicamese doesn't have any old people. Their population explosion is relatively new."

"Exactly! So we’ll have to send them off to war to defend themselves against every other Ism except their own, in order to kill those in the prime of their lives."

"But who would they declare war against?" asked But Sir!.

"A poor, underdeveloped, third world country nobody gives a damn about."

"Like Detroit?" suggested Freeman.

The Honcho scowled. "No, you ass hole. Detroit's too close to our borders."

"Maybe so, but they solved their own population problem. In twenty years, they went from two million residents to one million, without killing their population at both ends."

"So I should appoint the ghost of Coleman Young as mayor of Vhaicam?"

"No", conceded Freeman. "It would cause a mad rush for the suburbs. Since oceans rather than suburbs surround Vhaicam, millions of Vhaicamese would drown. Better stick with the war idea. It’s wholesome entertainment for CNN nightly news. Mass drowning isn't."

"Precisely." The Honcho turned to Jefferson. "What do you think, Insurrection Czar? Should we coerce Vhaicam’s government to declare war on somebody?"

Jefferson met the Honcho's inquiring stare. "Wars fill the pages of history with momentous events. Blessed is the nation that furnishes nothing for history to say. The protection of human life, and not its destruction, is the only legitimate object of government. Why would the Vhaicamese want to commence a war? Unless coerced by their governments, most people aren’t naturally combative."

"Holy shit!" the Honcho exclaimed. "I had no idea people might think like that. What do we do if that happens?"

"Not a problem", declared Freeman. "If the Vhaicamese won't declare war on a poor underdeveloped third world nation, then we'll declare war on Vhaicam, which is a poor underdeveloped third world nation itself."

"Attaboy!" The Head Honcho slapped Freeman heartily on the back. "Goddamn! It's great when a plan comes together."