Doolittle Does Nothing (p119)

(Setting:  Freeman is irritated by a fellow government employee who has found a clever way to do nothing.)

One day, while dreaming up ways to salvage the Head Honcho's campaign, Freeman noticed that a co-worker named Doolittle was doing absolutely nothing. He wasn’t even doing a crossword puzzle, making personal phone calls, stealing office supplies, or masturbating in the lavatory. Freeman brought the situation to But Sir!’s attention. "Why is Doolittle doing absolutely nothing? Is he a homosexual militia lover of the religious right?"

"No", replied But Sir!. "I checked on it earlier today. It turns out he has a note from his doctor that says he’s recovering from an illness. He’s nearly well, so he’s been authorized to return to work. But, to aid his full recovery, he’s not allowed to do anything. He can't lift, he can't be stressed, he can't move, and he can't even think. We have to treat him as if he joined a union."

"For how long?" asked Freeman, who was concerned that Doolittle might never do another thing as a government employee, which wouldn’t be unprecedented.

"His doctor's note specifically says that it’s just for today."

This placated Freeman until the very next day, when he observed that Doolittle was again doing nothing. "Why isn't Doolittle working today?" he asked But Sir!.

"He has a note. I already explained this to you."

"But that was for yesterday, not today", protested Freeman.

"It wasn't for yesterday. It's for today. The note is clear."

"But, if he shouldn't work today, then he should’ve worked yesterday, since yesterday isn’t today."

But Sir! shook his head solemnly. "Unfortunately, yesterday was indeed today, when it was yesterday."

Freeman tried a new approach. "Will Doolittle work tomorrow?"

"He should work tomorrow, unless tomorrow becomes today. Then he should be excused."